Volume 10, Issue 10, page 22

ABERRtGINAL SEffRITY CNECKª -- A Narrible Exercise for Readers
I N THESE trying times (and certainly the human race keeps trying), it is advisable for
the editor of The ABERREE to take some precautionary measures to safeguard the hardcore opinions of his reading public. With
this need in mind, I have designed the following ABERREEIGINAL SECURITY CHECK. (Any
similarity to a certain eight-page "Security
Check" by an insecure international securing
organization is strictly transcendental.)
1. Name (if any). Age (answers are confidential. Gender (i.e. sex). Marital status (as
of NOW).
2. What organizations are you a member of?
Do you plot the overthrow of The ABERREE?
(Overtly or covertly?)
3. What lost causes do you identify with?
(If they are lost, how can you identify with
4. What is your main status symbol? A.S.
B. S. C. (Mark other.)
5. What are your prejudices? (On what subjects about which you know nothing do you have
the strongest opinion?)
6. What persons, living or dead, do you
most admire? Does their being dead have anything to do with your choice?
7. What kind of work do you do? Avoid? What
form of corruption exists in your industry? Do
you prostitute yourself in any way on the job?
Off the job?
8. What are your favorite books? Are they
ALL banned in Boston? Don't explain.
9. In what way do you cheat other ABERREEs?
10. In what way do you waste time when you
are not avoiding work? JITWOL.
11. What part does politics play in your
12. What part does sex-play play in your
13. What part does religion play in your
life? (Who are you fooling?)
14. What lag exists between your philosophy
and the way you live? (Be honest, if possible.)
15. How many children do you have? Any accusations? (Unfounded, of course.) How many
did you intend to have? I n what ways do you
plan to bring them up that are different from
the ways you were aberrated?
16. Do you think sex education should be a
personal matter? (What would be your choice of
17. What has been your greatest disillusionment in The ABERREE? Who was to blame?
18. What is the most important thing you
have learned from The ABERREE. Did you tell
19. If your life were to flash by you at
this moment, what would be the highlight? Any
light at all?
20. What is the funniest incident you were
ever involved in? Did you send it to The ABERREE?
21. What are you most ashamed of? (Confidential.)
22. What are you most proud of? (Confidential, too. )
23. Do you believe in any form of censorship? Who for? Who by? Why?
24. Has The ABERREE changed you in any way?
Short-changed you?
25. Have you changed The ABERREE in any way?
Short-changed it? JITWOL.
26. What's your favorite of everything that
has ever appeared in The ABERREE? (Did we use
Rumors that another national magazinelost
most of its subscribers because of a similar
questionnaire don't scare us one bit. We like
for our Editor to live dangerously. Besides,
the "other" question-asking publication printed some answers -- which were about as regurgitating as a dill pickle sundae at a church Communion. Here, you get your Eucharist unblessed.

your picture? Did you send one?)
27. What's your least favorite of everything that has appeared in The ABERREE? (Do
NOT include this test?)
28. How many people read your copy of The
ABERREE? Why don' t you buy them a gift subscription?
29. What interesting facts about someone
else would you like to share with other ABERREEs?
30. In what way are you masochistic? JITWOL .
31. In what way are you sadistic? ( Oh, come
now. )
32. At what age do you think parents should
stop spanking baby?
33. In what way are YOU most irrational?
How do you rationalize it?
34. What are you withholding from the Editor? JITWOL.
35. What is the Editor withholding from
you? (Don't explain.)
36. What is your greatest source of happiness. (Reread questions 30 and 31.)
37. What is your greatest source of unhappiness? (Reread question 1, part D.)
38. What personal savior are you waiting
for? What makes you think he (she) would be
interested in you?
39. What question would you like to ask the
Editor of The ABERREE? Would you accept his
answer? Why? Why not? Why ask then?
40. Have you ever thought a bad thought
about Alphia Hart?
41. Have you ever thought a bad thought
about Alice Hart?
42. How did you know they were bad thoughts?
43. Have you ever knowingly aberrated anyone? Unknowingly? Did they deserve it? (If unknowingly, how did you know?)
44. Have you ever thought of canceling your
subscription to The ABERREE? JITWOL.
45. Aren't you glad you didn't cancel? (Answer yes to this question.)
46. Would you want your sister to marry art
ABERREE? (Reread question 5.)
47. Would you like to know what the dickens
JITWOL means?
48. When L. Ron Hubbard discovered God (rumor), was he looking in a mirror?
49. Has God discovered L. Ron Hubbard? O r
you? Or me?
50. Did you count the times "ABERREE" occurred in this questionnaire? (How else do you
think it got published?)
ABERREEs who send in their questionnaires
immediately will be given the designation ,o f
Class 4 ABERREEs. Don't get caugnt napping. Be
the first Class 4 ABERREE on earth. Those ABERREEs who do not (repeat, DO NOT) send in
their questionnaires will have their aberra'
tions revoked until further notice. Don't be a
Clear. Be a Class 4. Be the FIRST !
* JITWOL -- To Justify in Twenty-five Words or Less.
(Include box top or label.) Example: "Since I designed this questionnaire, I feel that I AM THE ONLY ONE (Sound familiar?) exempt from sending in
answers. Please forward immediately ^y Class 4 designation." (Enclosed find label. I blew ^y top.)
(ED. NOTE -- As a reward -- not punishment --
please address any communication in connection
with the above directly to the Author.)